Fran’s birth story

buckle up this is a long one!

birth plan

i worked with my doula during pregnancy to help me put together a list of preferences that i could give my nurses/doctors upon arrival to help them understand what i was hoping for. however, i did go into birth with an open mind and was prepared to change things up if medically necessary (or even if my desires changed in the moment!).

i won’t get into the full plan here but my hope was to go into labor on my own (not an induction and wanted to avoid Pitocin) and i wanted to labor naturally as long as possible and opt for the epidural when/if i felt like i needed it.

pre-labor

to prep for labor, i started eating about 4 dates/day (in a smoothie or frozen with peanut butter/chocolate) and drinking a mug of raspberry leaf tea at around 36 weeks. i’m not sure if it helped, but i liked the taste of both of them, so i figured why not!

something i didn’t share at the end of my pregnancy was that i experienced prodromal labor (contractions that aren’t actual labor) in the final weeks of my pregnancy, which sucked. contractions started getting more intense at 39 weeks and would come/go usually in the evening, and so every night i kept thinking “is tonight the night?”. i would time them using the contraction timer app but was waiting for them to get to 5 minutes apart and lasting about a minute over the course of the hour (5-1-1 rule).

i found out at 39 weeks and 3 days that i was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced by my doctor. i knew that didn’t mean much because some people are 3cm dilated for weeks, but it was exciting to know that things were happening. i kept on my labor prep stuff and also tried to curb walk as much as possible in hopes to get labor moving. i walked the supposed magical labor-inducing stairs on Mt Tabor (and went into labor 4 days later so maybe it did help!).

that friday was the day before my due date and i was wrapping up my last day of work at 5pm. i started having some intense contractions around then but they were easing around 8pm. the same thing happened saturday evening, so i decided to go to bed in case things picked back up soon. and sure enough, i woke up at about 5am on sunday morning and they had returned.

labor

from this point on contractions just kept continuing and getting closer together and more intense. from about 5-7am, contractions were about 9-10 minutes apart. by 9-10am, they were about 7-8 minutes apart. by noon it seemed like this was the real deal, so i showered and cassidy and i finished getting some stuff ready in preparation to head to the hospital. contractions were then about 3-5 minutes apart so we decided to go!

i arrived at labor & delivery at 3pm and they checked us in for triage. the first thing one of the nurses told us was that L&D was full. i wasn’t sure what that meant for us, but they continued to monitor my vitals and assess the situation.

they confirmed that my contractions were happening every 3-5 minutes and that i was still 3cm and 80% effaced and -2 station. however, they noticed some fluid and so they decided to test it to see if my water had broken. i hadn’t felt my water break at all, so i was surprised! well one of the tests came back positive and one came back negative for amniotic fluid. so they told us that means the test was inconclusive and they would most likely be sending us home. what was frustrating though was that they told us to return when contractions were 3-5 minutes apart even though they already were… when i pointed that out to them, they just said “oh yeah, you’ll probably be back in a few hours”.

so i took a walk outside with my partner while they got the discharge paperwork ready (curb walking in hopes to keep labor progressing), and i kept feeling gushes of water at that point and knew my water had in fact broke. by the time we returned, they informed us that another doctor re-reviewed the tests and confirmed that my water did break and so they decided to admit us then and there. what a rollercoaster!

shortly after being admitted, the doctor came in to say hello and to recommend that i get started on pitocin right away. i was a little taken aback because i had only been admitted for 15 minutes at this point and wasn’t sure what the rush was considering my water had just broke around 3-330pm. i suggested i wanted to give it at least a few hours to see how my body was progressing and then recheck my cervix and reassess the plan from there. they agreed and left the room.

looking back on this moment, i am really glad i was able to push back on this recommendation. there’s nothing wrong with wanting or needing pitocin but the fact that they phrased it as a strong recommendation rather than an option i could have or even taking the time to explain why they were recommending it to me or what it does, rubbed me the wrong way. luckily i had been able to do a lot of research on birth prior and so i was aware of what it was. it essentially speeds up the labor process and can make contractions way more intense, but i was wanting to see what speed my body was going at on it’s own and i didn’t want to have to get the epidural right away from pitocin contractions. i knew there were risks given my water breaking (they like to have the baby out by about 24 hours after), but again - it had been just a couple of hours at that point and so i didn’t understand what the rush was.

at 9:30 i got checked again and had progressed to 5cm and baby was at 0 station and still 80% effaced. contractions were pretty damn intense (like a period cramp times 50 haha) at that point but luckily i had my doula there to help me through each one. my mantra was “i can do anything for 60 seconds” aka the length of an average contraction. i definitely would’ve opted for the epidural at this point if i hadn’t had my doula with me to help keep me moving and trying different positions and coping techniques. my partner was of course also doing an amazing job and supporting me throughout labor, as well as my nurse who was willing to get us anything and everything we asked for. she even made us a makeshift heating pad by using blood pressure cuffs and hot water because the floor was completely out of them.

at 11:30pm, i decided to opt for the epidural. i was getting pretty exhausted and decided that some rest would be helpful. and i’m so glad i did end up getting it! i had a great experience and the anesthesiologist was able to start me on a low dose so that i could still move my legs and feet a bit all the way through delivery (although they still required me to stay in the bed due to fall risks). it was perfect to take the edge off and to let my body relax a little although i couldn’t really sleep due to the adrenaline i was feeling. during this time, i also realized that it was about to be Monday, aka my therapy day lol. so i quickly emailed my therapist at midnight something like, “i’m currently in labor, so i won’t be able to make our session today!” hahah. she thought it was hilarious and very ~ me ~ to send her a cancellation email while i was in active labor 😅.

at about 6:30am, my nurse came in and informed us that she felt like it would be a good idea to do another check based on what she was seeing on the monitors with the baby. she informed us that the doctors were busy but that we could have the head nurse do a check just in case i was at a 10cm. my doula asked a couple of follow up questions because she wasn’t stoked on the idea of having a nurse check me which would require the doctor to repeat the check after to confirm. however, the nurse basically told us that the doctors were so busy that they wouldn’t likely come in for a while unless they knew it was urgent. this did not make me feel great, but i agreed to the nurse check at that point.

sure enough, i was 10cm and 100% effaced and +1 station. it was time to push! the doctor showed up pretty quickly at that point, verified the check, and prepped everything for pushing.

the pushing phase started and went on for about an hour and a half. the provider i had been seeing throughout pregnancy ended up being able to make it right on time and it was so nice to see a familiar face after not feeling comfortable with most of the doctors i had seen at that point. pushing was INTENSE. i could feel an intense amount of pressure but not a lot of pain, but the actual part of getting my baby’s head out was SO intense. those last couple of contractions/pushes were the worsttttt.

baby Frances was born at 8:26am on memorial day and her being put onto my chest after birth was the most special and surreal moment of my life. i was sobbing tears of joy and then quickly realized she wasn’t really crying and started to get really panicked. the staff was helping to get her to cry and ended up needing to take her over to their table on the other side of the room to get some fluid out of her lungs. those were the longest moments of my life, but she finally was able to start getting some good cries in and i felt so relieved.

during this time, i barely noticed that my doctors were still trying to get my placenta out. i had had a marginal cord insertion meaning the cord was at the edge of the placenta and it was starting to separate when they were trying to pull it out. it took about 45 minutes, but they finally got it out and then informed me that i had a second degree tear and so they started stitching me up. this part was really not a big deal for me as i still had the epidural in and also being 100% preoccupied with my baby.

i was grateful it wasn’t worse than it was and that frances didn’t require any additional support from the NICU and was able to stay in the room with us the whole time, but it felt a little chaotic between the situation with my placenta and fran’s lung situation. i only got to latch her for about one minute in this time.

they told us that we’d get 2 hours of time after the birth to stay in the room and enjoy “golden hour”, however with Frances’ lungs, my placenta and stitches, and me almost passing out in the bathroom post-epidural, we unfortunately did not get any time alone as a family. i was and still am really bummed about this.

overall i loved getting to experience birthing a human and i’m so proud and thankful for for my body. but i was and still am pretty disappointed by some of the hospital staff - i felt very dismissed upon arrival, i felt like they tried to rush me through labor, i felt a little neglected when it was getting time to push, and i was disappointed about missing our golden hours. i’m not sure if this experience was because labor & delivery was full or if i would’ve felt the same either way. but i’m so glad i had my doula to help me advocate for myself and to encourage me to figure out what i wanted ahead of time.

hospital & breastfeeding

the rest of the hospital visit was also just okay :| i did not feel very supported by any of my nurses in the mother baby unit unfortunately. i was having latch issues and no one seemed to help and i was denied a lactation visit until day 2. i was hand expressing colostrum mainly at this point to feed to Frances and trying to latch as often as i could with no help from anyone. and when the lactation consultant did finally arrive, it was hands down the worst part of the entire hospital experience.

she showed up and had me try to latch - Frances and i were struggling as we had been (thanks to my flat nipple!) and after about 2 minutes of us struggling, the lactation consultant told me i needed to give up. she did not show me any alternative feeding positions and she didn’t try to help us get a good latch. she then got up and shoved the hospital’s pump at me and told me i needed to pump immediately and feed her what i pumped. and suggested that i would need to exclusively pump if i wanted to breastfeed. one of the nurses suggested i could supplement with formula.

she also told me that she was recommending i stay at the hospital an extra day to “monitor” our feeding because Frances had lost some weight, even though my providers suggested i be discharged that second day. but this lactation consultant’s tone and demeanor terrified me and instantly sent me into the worst anxiety spiral i’ve ever experienced that would last for the next two weeks.

i wanted to breastfeed so bad but was not envisioning exclusively pumping and was also now convinced my baby was absolutely starving and i was not adequately feeding her.

i ended up going home because i knew in my gut i wanted to get out of the hospital. thankfully one of my absolute best friends who breastfed both of her children rushed over the day after we got home and single handedly changed my breastfeeding journey. she told me about nipple shields (game changer for flat or inverted nipples!!!) and she helped us get a good latch. she (and google) also reassured me that it’s really normal for babies to lose weight after birth, especially breastfed babies. frances lost 2% of her birth weight in the hospital and then got up to 7% before my milk came in, which is well within the average range of 7-10%!! and babies typically return to their birth weight within 2 or 3 weeks.

we ended up getting our latch down with the help of the nipple shields and my milk came in on day 4 (which is also super normal!).

still, i had a hard time mentally believing that my baby was gaining any weight during those first two weeks. i was convinced that she was starving nearly every second of every day and it was unbelievably taking a toll on my mental health and made it nearly impossible to eat or sleep, which only made everything worse. i really could not shake what that lactation consultant said to me.

however, sure enough two weeks after exclusively breastfeeding, Frances had returned to her birth weight. i felt so relieved after her 2 week visit. and we were able to stop using the nipple shield to latch after about a week.

i was also, of course, dealing with the standard recovery (hello bleeding for 6 weeks) and the hormone drop/postpartum depression and anxiety. i was so concerned for my mental health that i talked to my doctor about starting on medication, but by the time i had the appointment and realized the meds would take a few weeks to help anyway, i had started to feel a little more like myself and that things would maybe return to normal in a couple of more weeks. i had the prescription if i needed it, but ultimately decided to give it another week or two and felt like my mental health was sort of back to it’s “normal” state, so i haven’t started on my meds but i felt better knowing i had access to them if i needed them (or need them in the future! i know PPD/PPA can come and go and get more intense later on as well). for now im managing with therapy.

reflections

overall i was surprised at how unsupported i would feel from most of the hospital staff - i just sort of felt like a random patient there and not met with a lot of compassion and care, like i hadn’t just gone through the most life changing thing and had no idea what i was doing haha. again, i’m not sure if the holiday week/capacity impacted this experience - it’s possible! but i also can’t stop thinking that if i had such a bad experience as a white woman - it’s no wonder Black women are way more likely to die in pregnancy/childbirth due to dealing with medical racism and neglect. it’s heartbreaking and the medical system needs to do a better job of practicing trauma-informed care and consent-focused care.

and after sharing a little bit about the experience i had with the lactation consultant on my stories, i was surprised to learn that a ton of people have had a similar experience with in-hospital lactation consultants. i didn’t realize they were so hit or miss! i ended up working with a certified lactation consultant at a separate practice and had a totally different experience in the best way. i felt very supported and reassured, so i would opt to go this route next time instead of the one in the hospital.

in hindsight i was also so glad i had my doula on my side and had taken a few classes like for breastfeeding and newborn care (although if i did it over i would NOT have taken those classes from the hospital; i wish i would’ve taken them from a doula collective or some other organization). there was still SO much i had to learn on the fly but we made it through. i also leaned on my friends who had kids a lot during this time which made me feel so much more normal. those first few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life and pure survival mode, but i think i’m a better mom and human for it. and i’m so grateful everyday for my sweet sweet perfect baby Frances. we had a rocky start but we’re thriving now!